Hey, I've read through and enjoyed the first script draft, there are a few flaws but that's expected and I really think the overall feel for the story is there. The characters need to be fleshed out, I liked the Lover and Priest characters the most, because they were character extremes and fit the most with the character profiles we created on the blog.
The only characters I couldn't get a feel for were The Fool and The Cop. The Fool especially appears as a typical waster college bloke at a frat party where he should be more than that. Referring back to our research in tarot cards, he should be pretty switched on, sharp, sarcastic, which leaves room for more witty comments and comebacks whilst being interviewed. He's still The Fool however, somewhat nerdy with examples to Xander from Buffy, not quite with the in crowd, but handles himself well verbally, always cracking jokes, kind of like a jester. We pictured him as weedy, insomniac. He's going to be armature animation so he'll be kept kind of slim and wiry anyway.
The cop character was initially going to be ex army turned hit man, hired by the missing girl's parents and inevitably out for Justice. This could be changed to suit the cop but keep the concept the same.
The idea that the girl is at the party all the time and that is the main setting doesn't quite fit, especially for the priest character. We were wanting the girl to visit him in confession or just generally at his church, for him to be able to be a father figure to her, wanting to be the savior. I liked his comments in the interview however, more bible references and tirades would make him seem self righteous and fanatical, which would work quite well for what we want the audience to perceive in the character.
The Devil or Lawyer character should also be a very strong character, not so much shouting and demands but able to manipulate facts, keeping calm, making the detective flip with a single sentence,
kind of like Hannibal lecter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1IayQ9MAl4&feature=related whilst being questioned, he could answer with a question etc, make the interview get nowhere and humiliate or insult the doctor and detective to the point of physically going for the suspect and having to leave the room for a bit in the process.
The Hermit is a real wild card, we can go completely to town with what he says and how he acts. He should be mad as a box of frogs basically, talking to himself, twitching etc. I already like the introduction of the bearded lady and Shark boy as they'll be a great challenge to imagine then animate. The idea of a carnival or freak show with some involvement from The Hermit
would sit quite well with the surreal, sinister atmosphere we want to create. It also spreads out the settings for each personality, each setting we want to be a reflection of each character's psyche when we come to animate.
The girl's death from drugs steers away from what we want from the story, we were looking for each personality to have a different take on what happened to the girl, whether missing, dead, in hiding or whatever excuse they each come up with, looking at Rashamon http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rashomon_(film) and other films based around stories and the idea of truth.
We like that the girl's name is Alice, that the whole story is kind of like Alice in Wonderland, going deeper down the rabbit hole with every account each personality makes. I liked the discussions between the doctor and detective, the conflict of interests. We wanted to start the narrative with a discussion between the two whilst walking through a corridor, before meeting The Moon or Kal. It would help to establish the scene and introduce us to Kal.
The settings could be improved, as we are doing most of the project as animation, the sky is the limit with scenery we could add in using green screen. We have done extensive photo research into gothic style churches, so when it comes to recreating the priest's location, we will have everything we need, either having conversations set walking around the outside of the church, the confessional booths, after service at the altar, wherever would be most dramatic. We will also look into imagery of Carnivals for The Hermit and post them on the blog, so feel free to include different areas of the carnival as well.
Character names taken into account, I like Alice and the feel of it being Wonderland, but the incorporation of the tarot cards and the integration of the card names linking to the characters should be increased, whether it is with cards being played with in the interview room or in the cells before The Moon is taken to be questioned. The character names should reflect their cards in some way too, looking further into the specific cards themselves and seeing what names can come from them.
We will be aiming to get a friend involved with script research who is involved with psychology, medicine etc so we can add a lot more medical jargon to what the doctor says. It'll keep things credible and also allow the detective and doctor to speak in depth without giving too many secrets away to the audience. For instance, Kal could be exhibiting side effects of dissociative identity disorder such as migraines from the effort of flitting between personalities. He could clutch his head before flashbacks or transitions.
To summarize, things are looking good with the script, characters can be adjusted in the ways mentioned, settings can be more diverse and reflect character psyches, stories can be separate from just the frat party leaving us to wonder the fate of the missing girl and finally more tarot card integration. I'll post up some Youtube videos on the blog as well, accounts from people with D.I.D we might be able to use and incorporate into the characters.
Andrew
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